Chemical Bond

mangoesfromthetrainstation: Money or bitches??? Guys help me decide I hate when people say this,...

Tue, 07 May 2013 07:46:41 -0400

Money or bitches??? Guys help me decide

I hate when people say this, it’s all about a blance of both! Fuvk

Haven't been using for a handful of days

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 17:05:17 -0400

But I haven’t been able to sleep, all I could think about was how much I missed her.

Funny how I made the effort to have my shifts switched to day shifts, because she mentioned us not getting to spend enough time together being an issue. As a result of doing that, 10 alarms weren’t enough to get me up, once again, and for the last time. It’s really all gone down now, the full out spiral, amazing how fast it all happened. For the degree of potentially devastating things to have gone, are, or will go down, I’m actually pretty relaxed about it all. So… Where do we go from here?

I can't sleep.

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 04:46:29 -0400

It’s not from drugs.
I’m deep in the peak of an extremely severe withdrawal from my most significant addiction of all… Krystina. We certainly didn’t simply break up. She went strait to spending all time possible basically dating another man. Since we’ve been together we were constantly with each other. Always together. Between jumping relationships, in the same fashion as her, I have never been single in my adult life; my darling tika never without a mommy. There was no slow break down, no warning, no falling apart. From together always to completely gone, won’t communicate with me in anyway. Just gone. Though I should look forward to this in many ways and be very aware that I am far better off with out her, but I don’t. Oddly enough, I actually ended up having sex with someone else before she actually did with him. “You know what?” As ask, bringing me the attention of the previously silent room occupied by four. “I actually don’t think I’m ready to do it with someone else”. Sarah lets out a quiet “awww” followed but the woman sitting on my lap that I’d been sorta snuggling with all afternoons “well… That’s okay. We obviously don’t have to do anything”. Couple handful of hours later, as we lay in my bed, I just about feel sick with her laying on my chest. Constant realizations that such will never again be Krystina; when I kiss her, the thought that kissing someone else is and will be different, and I don’t want it to be. The sex was fine, hell, I suppose it’s generally considered good when you come at the same time, right? Come to think of it that’s certainly never happened for me the first time, with a new partner. Many compliments on my body, and muscular ability to fuck in more prestigious positions dependent on such, all bringing and unbelievably low amount or comfort. My absolutely ridiculous blunt personality even lead me to tell her today “well… Last night was definitely the first time in my life that I totally didnt want to fuck someone that I was going to. Try to take that in the best way possible”. Very well aware of my situation she quickly laughs “hahaha, wow… Thanks” in a monotone voice I reply “by the way, there’s no good way to take that”. She again starts to laugh at what’s really not a joke, and pretty offensive. Mind you, she’s young, lean, desired by enough others to not give a shit about what I’ve got to say anyway. That was the most meaningless, mood lowering intercourse of my entire life. Krystina and I would joke about our numbers, and without taking the time to count, she would have brought me to the double digits, number ten then being “the depressing number ten”. The one that meant the least, yet brought an extremely memorable lesson. That being I don’t want to have sex with anyone else. I don’t want to kiss anyone else. I don’t even want to be around anyone else. So, though knowing even in me absolute worst condition, getting laid, as always, won’t be a problem when I get better, and I now will not bother to do so because I simply don’t want to, and therefor will not enjoy it. I think I will shut myself off from everything now. A dwelling heart broken hermit, hell bent on recovery. I won’t touch anyone else until I actually want to, for It just won’t bring me any feasible pleasure. With that come the many aspects my love and I discussed we never wanted to do again. We didnt want to meet the parents again. We didnt want to have to do all the first and lasts all over again. The songs, the movies, the moments, the seasons, all to only bring back memories or have some significance relative to that part of a relationship, all the be the last. But now they won’t, and everything is completely thrown off. As my moods swing between highs and lows I can only pray the amount of time spent weeping shall be much less. I’m slowly coming to terms with things. I have no choice but to be in the worst position I have ever been in, and with no support, or anyone in my life find the strength to beat the odds and recover, and come out stronger than ever. With no post secondary education relative to such, and having nothing but an abundance of time, I’m going to write a book about my “recovery”, all rapidly, and daily as I do so. I literally have to google “the basics of using punctuation in writing” before doing so, for my education is literally that lacking. I love you Krystina, I always will, I can’t help it, and though in the end I won’t get you back, and more importantly won’t want to, I only doing it for you. I’m only staying alive, fuelled by the unhealthy delusion that when I get better, and your relationship has gone it’s course, in a couple years, you will come back to me. Here we go.

The cracked out goofy speedball

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 05:58:34 -0400

The cracked out goofy speedball

D, pow n’ glass, “goofy speedball”. I call it...

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 05:54:50 -0400

D, pow n’ glass, “goofy speedball”. I call it this because this hooker bitch I’ve met along the rubble told me that a speedball made with meth instead of coke is called a goofball.

And there it is, all the “common majors”. Heroin,...

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 01:43:01 -0400

And there it is, all the “common majors”. Heroin, meth, crack, and coke, all partying in the same house.

Photo

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 01:42:26 -0400

"A cracked out, goofy speedball"

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 22:16:57 -0400

I just came up with something fucked.

Say it’s your last hoorah before rehab. You’ve tried everything but your “problem drug” is heroin, preferably in a speedball. You’re suicidally depressed, and you just robbed someone dear to you, to wrangle up 45$ (I didn’t rob anyone).

You get this idea for one last blast…

First you want to get your favourite stirry pot clean, and ready. Take 0.05g of methamphetamine (5$), 0.1g of heroin (20$), 0.1g of cocaine (10$) and place them all In the little pot. Add 50ius of water using a sterile syringe, heat until all soluble matter is dissolved. If you’re fucked enough to actually do this, I really hope you can obtain drugs pure enough that such will all dissolve so completely that you could get away with not using a filter.

Draw the mixture into your rig and depending on your skill/quality of veins, do what is necessary to prepare yourself to inject, as well as place 0.1gs of crack into a pipe, lightly heat, melting a potion into the Brillo.

Lastly it is advised that you tie up loose ends, perhaps ask Jesus for forgiveness.

Will all aforementioned apparatuses and ingredients prepared, take a few deep breaths, after exhaling the last one proceed to smoke that hoot, immediately upon completion, Injecting the mixture, ideally holding In the hoot through out, until roughly ten seconds after the injection is finished. Exhale the crack smoke just as the effects of the injection are well into the commencement of taking effect.

This should be interesting.

She lied some more

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 03:10:56 -0400

Went on a date, very publicly burning me. Packed up and left while I was at work. Fuck suboxone, fuck going to work, self destruct mode initiate. Good bye face. Good bye tika. Good bye reality. If I live another year, I’m going to be very sad when I wake up.

After a hell of a lot

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 20:50:14 -0400

Of pleading, tactics of persuading her to maybe even just pretend to give me a chance, or at the very less to do me a big favor, and stick around, so I have someone while I face the harsh realities if being sober, initially. One week. Or she leaves right away, and for good. Love over drugs? I can do this right?

Photo

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 10:29:49 -0400

Using Siri to type this note

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 17:11:09 -0400

Just saying that I am actually, absolutely, scaring the shit out of myself right now. I haven’t had any sleep at all and it is about two in the afternoon. I am driving right now and every minute or so am somewhat dozing off and then nearly getting in accidents. I haven’t done any drugs so, I was at work until five a M and my entire body and soul are completely heartbroken making me unable to sleep. This is absolutely awful, it is certainly one of the worst things, when you are driving, and you know that it is definitely not safe.
Me

This is an amazing night for me

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 04:01:50 -0400

At this moment it’s 1:00am exactly. I’m working, to make up hours I missed this week, I’m working my fucking ass off. I’m sweating, and bleeding, and feel the most alive I have this year! Absolutely! I feel like I’ve been saved. I’m going to have to work very hard for the goals I now have, but I am so excited. My ex fiancé cheated on me, and I’m on the brink of being fired from my job. After purchasing some of the items required to “go about” my suicide, I ran into someone. The suicide has to be specific, for my beneficiary (now one of Krystinas enemies) to cash in on my life insurance, as well as cover my 20,000$ of debt. We had a brief conversation and certain things were said. BAM! I snapped. An unbelievably overwhelming feeling . Like waking up from a year long nightmare. A bizarre hibernation for the criminally insane. I’ve been broken for a year, and suddenly it’s like he came back. The guy that used to operate the now run down vehicle that is my body. I’m here! This is absolutely wild! I’m here! I want to scream and dance in the streets. I swear between the drugs and a traumatic heart break, it’s like I had some sort of severe psychotic personality disorder. I feel amazing! And though yes, very sad how fucked up everything is it doesn’t matter, I can fix it all. I wish my now ex lover could understand this, that I’m back, or even give me a chance, but shut won’t, she’s done with me. The money’s dried up and I’m disgusting, she won’t give me a chance, she’s already moved on. But man I’m so excited. To be alive again. To feel again. To love again. I’m thrilled. Everything’s going to be different now. I know I sound crazy, but I’m not, I just was

The hardest thing

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 04:07:34 -0400

Is that I can see it in her eyes. She doesn’t love me anymore. I used to be so good at “the game” that I would know I can’t fix this and I would walk away, however she’s done piles of things, that I would have reason to have walked away a long time ago. It never mattered with her, I’ve never truly been in love before her. I’ve loved, yes I’ve loved multiple women, strongly. But with her, this is real live. It doesn’t matter what happens, no matter what, you just want to be with them. They’re all that matters. They can throw you under the bus, and you’ll just crawl back, and let them wipe their shoes off on you before they get on.

I’ve never had my heart truly broken before.

So it was one week of being off heroin

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 03:56:30 -0400

Though she knows everything in my life has fallen apart. Says to me, adamantly “we can do this together babe, me and you”. Cheats on me in just a couple hands full of days. I’ve never been in so much pain in my life. I don’t know what to do, I’m scared, I don’t even care that she cheated on me at all, I just wish she’d take me back. I don’t care about anything else, and I understand why she would leave me, It just really sucks that she didnt give me a few weeks of sobriety, I didn’t even get a chance. The timing making it seem so blatantly sequential to me running out of money.

I slept in on Monday, till 9pm, didn’t make it to work, no call, nothing. As it is they’re firing me. But it’s not over yet, it’s almost like my shift is a yellow light right now, it’s not a complete stop, but it ain’t good to go.

I’ve just never been so lost. It’s all coming down, like all the heads, dealers, hookers, and junkies could all probably tell it eventually would. Drug addicts don’t have beautiful girlfriends, and respectable half decent jobs. The time has come, both are near their ends. To be honest, just the thought of the necessary process to recover them is exhausting. Mainly because I really have to work for it, their both against me, it’s like guilty until proven innocent.

Being lied to sucks

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 05:44:56 -0400

It’s like the person just strait up saying “I don’t give a shit about you”. Especially when they don’t need to, because then they’re choosing to say that. Whether it’s 20$ or 200$, who really cares. But when your actions say “you’re nothing to me” I really hurts. This is something that has been expressed excessively, further saying “I know you think I don’t care, and you’re right, I don’t”.

Another day, drifting empty

Over 65hr

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 00:50:31 -0400

Since I’ve had heroin. The longest span of time in over 5 forgettable months.

Photo

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 18:51:33 -0400

Woke up with added inches to my forearm. Relative to the vast...

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 16:12:17 -0400

Woke up with added inches to my forearm. Relative to the vast majority of the variety of “swell” involving injuries/reactions, I believe I would note that this certainly has a firmness to it, especially at the centre. Most significantly unique, I think would be the fact that it completely appeared over the course of only a few hours, as I napped. It doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as it looks. This is one of the main factors of this, my latest “rock bottom”_

Still alive? Haven't posted in awhile.... :(

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 16:11:05 -0400

Still breathing, yes.