Just saying that I am actually, absolutely, scaring the shit out of myself right now. I haven’t had any sleep at all and it is about two in the afternoon. I am driving right now and every minute or so am somewhat dozing off and then nearly getting in accidents. I haven’t done any drugs so, I was at work until five a M and my entire body and soul are completely heartbroken making me unable to sleep. This is absolutely awful, it is certainly one of the worst things, when you are driving, and you know that it is definitely not safe.
At this moment it’s 1:00am exactly. I’m working, to make up hours I missed this week, I’m working my fucking ass off. I’m sweating, and bleeding, and feel the most alive I have this year! Absolutely! I feel like I’ve been saved. I’m going to have to work very hard for the goals I now have, but I am so excited. My ex fiancé cheated on me, and I’m on the brink of being fired from my job. After purchasing some of the items required to “go about” my suicide, I ran into someone. The suicide has to be specific, for my beneficiary (now one of Krystinas enemies) to cash in on my life insurance, as well as cover my 20,000$ of debt. We had a brief conversation and certain things were said. BAM! I snapped. An unbelievably overwhelming feeling . Like waking up from a year long nightmare. A bizarre hibernation for the criminally insane. I’ve been broken for a year, and suddenly it’s like he came back. The guy that used to operate the now run down vehicle that is my body. I’m here! This is absolutely wild! I’m here! I want to scream and dance in the streets. I swear between the drugs and a traumatic heart break, it’s like I had some sort of severe psychotic personality disorder. I feel amazing! And though yes, very sad how fucked up everything is it doesn’t matter, I can fix it all. I wish my now ex lover could understand this, that I’m back, or even give me a chance, but shut won’t, she’s done with me. The money’s dried up and I’m disgusting, she won’t give me a chance, she’s already moved on. But man I’m so excited. To be alive again. To feel again. To love again. I’m thrilled. Everything’s going to be different now. I know I sound crazy, but I’m not, I just was
Is that I can see it in her eyes. She doesn’t love me anymore. I used to be so good at “the game” that I would know I can’t fix this and I would walk away, however she’s done piles of things, that I would have reason to have walked away a long time ago. It never mattered with her, I’ve never truly been in love before her. I’ve loved, yes I’ve loved multiple women, strongly. But with her, this is real live. It doesn’t matter what happens, no matter what, you just want to be with them. They’re all that matters. They can throw you under the bus, and you’ll just crawl back, and let them wipe their shoes off on you before they get on.
I’ve never had my heart truly broken before.
Though she knows everything in my life has fallen apart. Says to me, adamantly “we can do this together babe, me and you”. Cheats on me in just a couple hands full of days. I’ve never been in so much pain in my life. I don’t know what to do, I’m scared, I don’t even care that she cheated on me at all, I just wish she’d take me back. I don’t care about anything else, and I understand why she would leave me, It just really sucks that she didnt give me a few weeks of sobriety, I didn’t even get a chance. The timing making it seem so blatantly sequential to me running out of money.
I slept in on Monday, till 9pm, didn’t make it to work, no call, nothing. As it is they’re firing me. But it’s not over yet, it’s almost like my shift is a yellow light right now, it’s not a complete stop, but it ain’t good to go.
I’ve just never been so lost. It’s all coming down, like all the heads, dealers, hookers, and junkies could all probably tell it eventually would. Drug addicts don’t have beautiful girlfriends, and respectable half decent jobs. The time has come, both are near their ends. To be honest, just the thought of the necessary process to recover them is exhausting. Mainly because I really have to work for it, their both against me, it’s like guilty until proven innocent.
It’s like the person just strait up saying “I don’t give a shit about you”. Especially when they don’t need to, because then they’re choosing to say that. Whether it’s 20$ or 200$, who really cares. But when your actions say “you’re nothing to me” I really hurts. This is something that has been expressed excessively, further saying “I know you think I don’t care, and you’re right, I don’t”.
Another day, drifting empty
Anonymous asked: Still alive? Haven't posted in awhile.... :(
Still breathing, yes.